photo credit by Kateryna Hliznitsova Unsplash

It wasn’t funny. OK, maybe it was a little. But it was mostly embarrassing. Our youngest son was looking at our Skylight (you know, one of those digital frames) and in it, there was a “selfie” of me with Ronan, my grandson. However, instead of it being a true selfie, I had taken a screenshot instead of using the camera button. Pretty innocent mistake. When I did it, I didn’t quite understand why it looked the way it did. After all, I had taken plenty, the “right” way. I do know how to take a selfie with my grandson. Laughing about this and teaching me how to actually take a selfie, seemed to bring endless joy to and harassment from my son. In front of his girlfriend. And my husband. I was up at 3:15 am ruminating about the whole thing and how bummed I was that he teased me.

Over not knowing something.

Ridiculous.

But it also got me thinking about why it triggered me so hard. You see, I’m a need-to-know kind of girl. I didn’t ask for this personality type. It is just how I show up. For 60 years, I had no idea that this shadow was running so many of my reactions. I now notice it in my body, and throat, and my heart feels that icky feeling (that three-centered practice paying dividends). And then the stories get spun. Over and over. Spiraling into 3:15 am.

That is the head center. I’m a head type (as far as the Enneagram goes), and it is the cause of my suffering. Here is the lowdown for each of the centers.

Head types (Five, Six, Seven) spiral around fear and certainty. When teased or triggered, they often replay the moment looking for what they should have known, planned, or prepared for, as if enough information could have prevented the discomfort altogether. The 3 am version of this isn’t “what does this mean about how they see me,” it’s “how did I not know this” or “what else am I missing.” The inner monologue tends to circle around competence and control through information, fixating on the gap between what they knew and what they should have known.

Heart types (Two, Three, Four) spiral around image and connection. When teased or triggered, they often replay how it looked to others, whether they were embarrassing themselves, or whether the moment damaged how someone sees them. The 3 am version of this isn’t “what should I have known,” it’s “what does this mean about how they see me now” or “did I make it weird.” Shame shows up fast and the inner monologue tends to circle around belonging and being liked.

Body types (Eight, Nine, One) tend to feel it first as anger or a kind of clenched-up resistance, often before they’ve even processed what happened. The teasing can land as a challenge to their autonomy or control, something pushing on them that they didn’t invite. The 3 am spiral for a body type often isn’t replaying the moment so much as it is replaying the irritation, sometimes turning it inward as self-judgment for reacting at all, or outward as residual annoyance at the person who triggered it.

What triggers you? What does teasing feel like to you?

Here’s the thing. Once you know your own pattern, the next step is letting the people you love know why it stings. Not so they can fix it. Just so they understand what’s actually happening when you go quiet, or get prickly, or end up wide awake at 3:15 am.

For my son, explaining my trigger to him is important, even though he may not feel it the way I do, even once he understands it. For him, he’s a Nine, he replays the annoyance part of the situation and the person who triggered it. I have heard this first hand from him. This is super important for me to understand about him. I can’t just discount how he feels. What he feels is real. It is just less real for me. Just like my stuff is less real for him.

When I expressed my disappointment to my husband, he was so protective of me. He’s an Eight. He felt like he had let me down. I didn’t need him to stand up for me, but in this moment of explaining my sadness, that is where he went. He would. He is my protector. My trigger triggered him as he felt his skill set was challenged, not by me, but by the situation. This is all so fascinating to me. It never occurred to me that my embarrassment turned sadness would challenge his natural protector. He was disappointed in himself and I never even considered this.

This is the heart of so many patterns that repeat. We don’t actually understand one another. We have different lenses. And even after studying the Enneagram for a few years now, I still am learning. That is the beauty of it. There is so much to learn, about ourselves, about one another. How can we bring peace to our lives, let alone the world, if we don’t understand why we experience life the way we do? We don’t even understand ourselves.

But it doesn’t have to be like this. You can learn about yourself. We didn’t have a choice in the way we show up, unconsciously. We do have a choice now. Once you see the unseen, you can’t unsee it.

I’m starting to think about what it might look like to explore this together, in a room, with people who are genuinely curious about their own patterns. If that’s you, keep an eye out. More on this soon.

(Remember to like or comment - I love hearing from you.)

Photo credit: Ruliff Andrean, Unsplash

I was in a room of Enneagram enthusiasts. Pitching my big idea. What was supposed to be six people was four. The feeling of rejection was already settling in. “Why wouldn’t they show up? How could they not see what I see? What is it about me they didn’t want to take the time for?”

Recognizing Little Julie’s familiar ache of not belonging, I took a breath and let those feelings move through me. I put my hand on my heart and reminded myself, this isn’t personal.

I got to the task at hand.

My meeting mission: What would this idea of building a nonprofit Enneagram community look like? How could I engage people in this world and keep them engaged? What are the seekers really looking for? You see, this Enneagram world has its own territories, and those territories are shaped by different philosophies and how deep people want to go. On top of this, there are three distinct worlds.

Instagram Enneagram: Memes about personalities.

Enneagram Enthusiasts: Deeper seekers, the factioned part.

Diamond Approach: All in. Financially, time-wise, and with deep vulnerability. This is the most committed level of inner work, requiring a significant investment in all three.

I’m in the middle. So are most of the people I meet with, clients and Enneagram groups alike.

That middle group needs a cohesive place to gather, to presence, practice, and belong. We could welcome in the Instagram Enneagram folks, but we aren’t quite ready for the Diamond Approach.

So, back to that meeting.

I had my ideas, and it seemed they had theirs, which is why I had called the meeting in the first place. I’ve learned that I can’t do the heavy lifting alone. What I discovered was that they weren’t presenting different ideas, they were opposing ideas. The biggest one: no one will pay to be a part of a group. My big idea, dead in the water.

Ouch. Uh-oh. Here comes that heartache. Hold on Little Julie. You can move through this. You’ve got this.

For weeks, I had been having one-on-ones, talking with people in the Enneagram world about this big idea and hearing what I wanted to hear. “Yeah, I think you are right. We are missing what you are talking about.” “Yeah, we do need community after a class ends.” “Yeah, I’m not so sure what that would look like,” secretly thinking, well, I know what it would look like. I felt that Eight energy in me, pushing and pushing and pushing. And that Sexual Instinct of knowing what I want and going for it. So much intensity moving in one direction.

And then it hit the wall of a reality check.

Push back that felt like rejection.

An affirming force. A denying force.

Not rejection. Just a denying force.

At the end of the meeting, two Twos stayed on the line a little longer. Of course they would. They are natural Helpers. They both could sense my rejection but also could see the vision. When one said, “You’ve got so much energy pushing for this, so much intensity and drive. I know you felt rejected, too. You need some neutrality. A third force,” she was right. Enter the Law of Three.

The Law of Three says every new creation or event requires the interplay of three distinct, interacting forces: an affirming force, a denying force, and a reconciling force.

I was pushing and pushing and pushing for what I wanted. That affirming force. Then the denying force entered. When I got off the call, I spiraled, had a chat with Claude (AI), spiraled some more (and more), and then I stopped.

Breathe.

Nothing needs to be figured out right now.

Nothing. Sit in the now-ness. Sit in Presence. In the neutrality. Allow the unfolding to happen. It will.

That night I had a dream. I don’t remember my dreams very often but I remembered this one, because it was slightly different than my usual stress dream. My usual stress dream is being in a car and not knowing where I’m going. No map, or worse, the map keeps bringing me to nowhere. This happens when I’m putting pressure on myself to build my practice. In this dream, I couldn’t even find my car.

Hmmmmm.

Time to chill out.

Law of Three. Affirming. Denying. Reconciling. That reconciling force is Presence. Something else becomes possible in Presence. Something different.

Maybe you have experienced this intensity of wanting something so badly that it starts making decisions for you. If you haven’t, I can guarantee you know someone who has. The Law of Three isn’t just a concept. It’s an invitation and a strategy to take on when conflicted or disappointed. Next time you feel yourself pushing and pushing, then feeling the push back, see if you can find reconciliation. Sit in it. Something else becomes possible there. Something you couldn’t have pushed your way to. Something more beautiful and aligned with the Divine. It also feels way better than all of that pushing. Divinity is in the unfolding, in the something else, and in our ability to recognize that has been here all along.

She asked if we could come for the weekend to watch the baby. She had to come up to Albany for her Reserve’s Drill weekend and needed help. You don’t have to ask us twice.

After a little hiccup with a bottle, we quickly got into a groove. An every 2.5 hour groove.

Wake. Eat. Burp. Eat. Burp. Diaper change. Fun. Sleep.

He’s beautiful and amazing and we couldn’t be more in love with him. But I didn’t go into the weekend thinking I was going to have some profound spiritual shift. I was thinking I was just going to love on my grandson.

In between “Fun” and “Sleep” came rocking and singing. I mostly sing made-up songs to him, usually the same ones.

“Goodnight, Ronan. Goodnight Baby. Goodnight Ronan. It’s time to say goodnight.”

But in the midst of trying to rock him to sleep, I stopped. I took in his littleness. His body relaxed and his breathing changed and he was asleep in my arms. And I started crying.

I started crying at the finality of it. His 4.5 month old self, already becoming someone else. One second older. Another second older. I didn’t want to think about how he was never going to be this little self again. Second by second he was changing.

And I was attached to what was.

Until I wasn’t.

I realized in that moment, “Ah, this is what non-attachment means.”

This concept is spectacularly important because for my personality type, we get very attached and it is our Virtue to get to a place of non-attachment.

Easier said than done.

I’ve spent my whole life attached to what was.

I hate New Year’s.

I don’t like when classes end.

I don’t like when books end.

Or a TV series that I love.

Or my children growing.

Or my husband and I getting older.

Do I need to keep going? You get the idea. I bet you can come up with your own list of attachments, too. So this realization, in this beautiful moment of being with my grandson, affected me so deeply that I understood non-attachment. I no longer held onto the big bummer that he is growing before my eyes, but the wonder of the moment. And this moment. And this moment. Not attached to it. Just the is-ness of it. Not caught up in the was-ness.

I posed this question to my Learning Lab. We meet every two weeks and discuss big topics. This one particularly landed with the group. I was curious about the different perspectives on non-attachment. I was relieved to learn it wasn’t just a Five thing. It’s an everyone thing. My experience is just different than yours.

Our personalities protect us. They are designed to protect us. This means we get attached. But this also means that because of our different lenses, we don’t always know the way out. Most of us are walking around trying to control (attach), trying to cling to an outcome.

Here is what letting go looks like depending on your type.

Type 1 — Serenity: Lets go of needing to fix and correct by accepting that reality is already unfolding as it should.

Type 2 — Humility: Releases the need to be indispensable by acknowledging their own needs and limits.

Type 3 — Authenticity: Drops the curated image by trusting that their real self is enough without performance.

Type 4 — Equanimity: Stops clinging to emotional intensity by allowing feelings to come and go without identifying with them.

Type 5 — Non-Attachment: Loosens the grip on hoarding knowledge and energy by trusting that engagement won’t deplete them.

Type 6 — Courage: Releases the need for certainty by acting with inner trust even when doubt remains.

Type 7 — Sobriety: Lets go of chasing future possibilities by staying fully with what is here now.

Type 8 — Innocence: Drops the armor of control by allowing themselves to be open, soft, and affected.

Type 9 — Right Action: Releases the urge to disappear into comfort by showing up fully for their own life.

The takeaway: a Learning Lab participant shared the idea of changing the language from non-attachment to non-clinging. That helps a ton. And take a good look next time you are clinging. There is a way out but you’ll need some awareness before that happens.

This too shall pass.

All of it. The hard stuff and the beautiful stuff alike.

And somewhere in a rocking chair on a Saturday afternoon, holding a sleeping baby, I learned that passing isn’t the same as losing. It never was.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

A client and I were chatting about the things we are working on, what we’ve been noticing, practicing, and how often we are reminded of the work it takes to grow. We were talking about how we want to show up differently, when I said, “I’m really good at crying for other people, but not so much for myself.” He said, “I think that is crying for yourself.” It stopped me. I hadn’t considered this.

For a millisecond, I wanted to deny this. Nah, really, I just feel deeply for others. But then I took a breath and took in what he said.

He was right.

I tear up over anything from a commercial to the human struggle and grittiness of a wheelchair marathon participant. All of this time, I’ve considered this a deep empathy that I have. If you ask anyone in my life, they have seen this part of me. Tearing up is easy. Sharing the deeper feelings, well, that is a different story.

As I was watching one of my favorite shows of all time, there is a scene in Heated Rivalry (a love story about two gay hockey players) that is played out by a mother and her son. The mom has just learned that her son is gay, and as he is apologizing, she is wrought with the guilt of not ever giving him the space to feel like he could come out to her. It is such a tender scene and every single time I see it (I have watched it an embarrassing amount of times) or even think about it, I well up.

Now, I don’t have a son who has come out to me, and for a long time, I thought this scene made me cry because of her and how terrible she must have felt. How devastating it must feel to realize that for years you’ve denied the space your child needed to simply be himself. She has such shame and guilt, it overwhelms her, and as she asks for forgiveness, she and her son embrace as he does.

But since my client pointed out to me that my tears may have less to do with the other and more to do with me, I’m pretty much on hyper alert for the deeper message whenever I cry. I now reflect on what I feel guilty about in the containers of my relationships.

So I’ve started asking myself some harder questions.

What have I not allowed space for?

What were my unmet expectations of these relationships?

What have I been dismissive of?

When have I felt disappointment in a relationship and what is this really telling me?

We put all kinds of containers around our relationships. Parameters. Expectations. And crying, it turns out, might just be the thing that tells you where the container has gotten too small. Crying is relational, human, and a deep felt sense. It turns out I’ve been thinking more than I have been feeling.

Taking crying out of the head center and putting it back in the heart is where the real growth happens.

Photo by nedimshoots on Unsplash

I get up around 5:00 am. Three plus days a week, I get on my Peloton, and when I don’t, I’m at the gym exercising before my first client. I meditate every single day. I grocery shop for fresh, mostly organic food and rarely eat a treat (boring, I know). We don’t drink. Our home is simple, comfortable, and I consider it my sanctuary. We live a modest life and feel financially stable, thanks to our gym and my husband’s commitment to it. Personal growth matters to me. I read. I’m in bed by 9:00 pm.

Boring.
Stable.
Secure.
Predictable.
Committed to taking care of myself.

If Self-Preservation were a sport, I’d be on the podium.

I never gave much thought to this. I figured most people in my life prioritize Self-Preservation. After all, we own a gym, and our clients are either prioritizing it or hiring us to help them do so.

But the thing about “the work,” walking the talk, is that it requires a kind of awareness most of us don’t naturally bring to ourselves. My Instincts class continues to help me walk the talk. This class feels like shining a bright flashlight down a dark hallway. What you can’t see can be scary. But once it’s lit, you can’t pretend you don’t know the way forward.

And there is grief in that.

The moment of, “Wow… I’ve really been showing up like that?” can feel icky. My strong Social blindspot feels icky most of the time now that I see it. I imagine everyone’s blindspot carries that same discomfort. And then there is seeing the seen. Maybe reading all of my Self-Preservation stuff stirred something in you, too. That’s human.

For me, that Social blindspot, looked like not recognizing people. Being “bad with names and faces.” Coming across as self-absorbed. Missing opportunities to acknowledge other humans. Missing connection. My husband often compensated for that. But seeing what I missed still feels like a loss. And there is that grief.

But this week isn’t about Social.

This week is about Self-Preservation.

In class, Russ unveiled his framework for working with the instincts. He organized each instinct into three zones and five behaviors. As a fellow Five, I love a good system. So naturally, I’m sharing.

Self-Preservation is about home, health, and resources. It tracks whether you’re safe, stable, and supported.

Using Russ’ three zones and five behaviors, let’s explore.

First Zone — Self Care and Well-being
Nutrition (check)
Fitness (check)
Sleep (check)
Relaxation (check)
Personal growth (check)

Second Zone — Maintenance and Resources
Finances (check)
Time management (check)
Life skills (check)
Work habits and persistence (check)
Energy management (check)

Third Zone — Domesticity and Home
Comfort (check)
Safety and security (check)
Order and structure (ish)
Sanctuary (check)
Restorative (check)

That’s a lot of check marks.

No wonder I feel stable.

It suggests Self-Preservation might be dominant for me. Just last week, I thought I was Sexual dominant. I even wrote a whole blog about it. Apparently, I’m still sorting myself out.

What about you?
How many check marks did you have?

Russ mentioned that our inner critic is especially loud around our blindspot. We think about making changes. We talk about making changes. Doing is another story. That’s why people hire trainers. Accountability bridges the gap between awareness and action. It’s also why they hire coaches or guides (just sayin’).

And this applies whether you are blind in Self-Preservation, Sexual, or Social.

Earlier this week, a client told me, last week’s blog sparked a conversation with her partner about instincts. It’s real. Instinctual patterns show up in relationships constantly. When you understand your stacking or maybe start bringing awareness to it, you begin to see why conflict happens and where friction lives.

Russ once said, “If you ask me directions to Istanbul, I can’t give them to you unless I know where you are starting from.”

Most of us don’t know where we’re starting from.

That’s why the first step is understanding your dominant Enneagram point. You can look at a Self-Preservation list and check boxes, but without understanding your core pattern, you won’t fully understand why you landed there. Your point influences how each instinct expresses itself.

I think it’s great that you’re reading these blogs and applying them to your life. Keep noticing. Keep asking. Keep observing your patterns.

And that hallway might just get a little brighter.

Here is an example of my work in my Social blindspot. A collaboration. I hope you take some time for some Self-Preservation and join us.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

I thought it was super sexy. The way he went out of his way to help people. Saying hello and engaging with the barista at the coffee shop. Wanting to stop on the side of the road for someone in distress, while making it perfectly clear that I was not allowed to do this by myself.

He was the Hero. The Protector. But he was also something else.

He was social. And I wasn’t. And I loved it.

Not because I wanted to be that. But because I saw something in him that I didn’t see in me. Opposites attract. It’s true. But more importantly, when you begin to notice this, you realize, “Hmm… maybe I can be a little more of that.”

Back then, I didn’t have language for what I was seeing. Now I do.

This week, I began a course with Russ Hudson, all about Instincts. We’ll explore the nuances, yes, but ultimately we’ll be looking at our blind spots and how we can learn to show up differently.

When we talk about Instincts, we’re talking about something deeper than personality. These are the drives that move us.

Self-Preservation Instinct is about home, health, and resources. It’s the instinct that tracks whether you’re safe, stable, and supported.

Sexual Instinct is about aliveness and attraction. It’s the pull toward what energizes you, what sparks chemistry, what feels compelling.

Social Instinct is about belonging and contribution. It’s the instinct that asks, “Where do I fit? How do I matter?” It turns “me” into “we.”

These instincts stack in our lives. We each have a dominant, a secondary, and a tertiary instinct. That third one is often called the blind spot. It’s the one we overlook. The one we justify as “that’s just me,” when in fact it’s quietly shaping our life. For example, my stacking is Sexual, Self-Preservation, then Social.

Which means Social is my blind spot.

Lucky for me, I got to ask Russ a question this week in front of nearly 300 people, which is very unlike me. (Yes, I forced myself. Social blindspot awareness in action!)

I asked whether couples with opposite dominant and blindspot instincts tend to do better than couples who share the same dominant and blindspot. For example, if one person is Social dominant and Self-Preservation blind, and the other is Self-Preservation dominant and Social blind, does that balance create something healthier?

He said, in his experience, yes.

When two people share the same blind spot, he said, growth gets tricky. If both partners are Social dominant and Self-Preservation blind, they may overextend themselves publicly while neglecting their health, home, or finances. And because they’re both blind to it, no one notices until something collapses.

But when partners differ, there’s more opportunity for complementarity. If they are aware and not judging, they can grow through one another’s strengths.

So when I thought, over twenty years ago, that my future husband was sexy because he helped and engaged with others, what I was really seeing was my blind spot. That Social instinct in him was something I lacked.

And while the scene in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says “You complete me” might make some of us cringe, there’s a grain of truth in it. Not in a dependent way. But in a developmental one.

There are parts of us that grow in relationship because of the relationship.

You might think that a Social blindspot looks like introversion. But it can also look like self-absorption, social awkwardness, or a lack of social awareness. That’s harder to admit. Believe me. I hate admitting this.

Calling out your blind spot feels uncomfortable. It should. Growth is uncomfortable.

Looking for your blind spot? One of the easiest ways to spot it is to notice what annoys you in someone else. Are they too focused on their own needs (self-preservation)? Too passionate (sexual)? Too friendly (social)? That irritation is the clue.

There is nothing wrong with this seemingly-too-muchness. It might mean you’re blind.

Open your eyes. There is a whole new world waiting.

I’m obsessed. I can’t stop watching Heated Rivalry (fyi, this is not on Netflix). This is funny to me because I haven’t been into (obsessed) with anything for a very long time. Early high school to be exact. Scott Baio to be even more exact. Oh, and maybe John Travolta. But those were girlie crushes.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, Heated Rivalry is a love story about two hockey players who start out as rivals and end up falling in love, juggling family dynamics and the demands of professional hockey, from the responsibility of winning the season to sponsors and the Olympics. And of course, being gay in a very masculine sport. I will warn you, the show is NOT for everyone. You’ve got to be ok with seeing two men do A LOT more than kiss. (I warned you). That being said, the story is great.

I queried myself about this obsession.

Why do I like these characters so much?

I came to the conclusion that the Shane character is me - takes things way too seriously (boring), quiet and introverted, always thinking and planning, and has a need to know. Ilya is my husband - dynamic, intense, a wise ass, witty, a tough upbringing, and a teddy bear deep down inside (which is so sexy!). I tame him (Shane tames Ilya) and he, well, he doesn’t tame me! We complement each other.

It got me thinking about my other character obsessions.

Scooby Doo (fully related to Velma). Willy Wonka (curious, quiet, thinks the world is crazy), Nancy Drew (one of my favorite sleuths). Shaun Cassidy as a Hardy Boy (an Investigator AND cute!).

As an adult, I’m always looking for the light-hearted mystery - nothing too dark, scary, or violent. I just like to figure things out.

These stories that pull us in show us something about ourselves we may not be aware of. These relatable characters are relatable because we feel like we know them, that they are representing something in ourselves, or even better, represent something we are striving to become - maybe our most authentic self. When we watch these characters, it’s as if we are being seen. That feels good.

These character interests (obsessions) aren’t random. They are telling you something.

Play along with me and take a look below - see who you relate to.

The Intense Protector

You’re drawn to the strong one. The one who doesn’t flinch. The one who protects their people at all costs.

Characters:
Beth Dutton – Yellowstone
Tommy Shelby – Peaky Blinders
Olivia Benson – Law & Order: SVU
Damon Salvatore – The Vampire Diaries

What it might reflect:
You resonate with strength and directness. Or you wish you could access more of it without apologizing.

The Steady Peacemaker

You love the calm presence in the chaos. The one who keeps everyone together.

Characters:
Ted Lasso – Ted Lasso
Samwise Gamgee – The Lord of the Rings
Pam Beesly – The Office
Steve Trevor – Wonder Woman

What it might reflect:
You value harmony and loyalty. Or you long for steadiness in a world that feels loud.

The Principled Reformer

You’re pulled toward the one who knows what’s right and isn’t afraid to stand for it.

Characters:
Hermione Granger – Harry Potter
Captain America – Marvel Universe
Leslie Knope – Parks and Recreation
Jean-Luc Picard – Star Trek: The Next Generation

What it might reflect:
You admire integrity and moral clarity. Or you feel the pressure of always trying to get it right.

The Devoted Helper

You love the warm one. The emotionally intuitive one. The caretaker.

Characters:
Rebecca Pearson – This Is Us
Molly Weasley – Harry Potter
Deanna Troi – Star Trek: The Next Generation
Midge Maisel – The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

What it might reflect:
You see yourself in their generosity. Or you long to feel needed and connected in that way.

The Driven Achiever

You’re pulled toward the polished one. The ambitious one. The one who wins.

Characters:
Blair Waldorf – Gossip Girl
Olivia Pope – Scandal
Harvey Specter – Suits
Miranda Priestly – The Devil Wears Prada

What it might reflect:
You admire success and competence. Or you recognize the pressure to perform.

The Romantic Individualist

You love the layered, emotional, slightly misunderstood one.

Characters:
Marianne – Normal People
Rue – Euphoria
Jack Dawson – Titanic
Luna Lovegood – Harry Potter

What it might reflect:
You resonate with depth and longing. Or you crave more emotional authenticity in your own life.

The Investigator

You’re obsessed with the thinker. The quiet genius. The observer.

Characters:
Sherlock Holmes – Sherlock
Velma – Scooby-Doo
Spock – Star Trek
Bruce Banner – The Avengers

What it might reflect:
You value understanding before action. Or you relate to needing space and knowledge to feel safe.

The Loyal Guardian

You love the one who questions everything but protects fiercely.

Characters:
Ron Weasley – Harry Potter
Jim Hopper – Stranger Things
Dwight Schrute – The Office
Princess Leia – Star Wars

What it might reflect:
You feel the push and pull between doubt and devotion. Loyalty matters deeply to you.

The Enthusiastic Adventurer

You love the witty, fast-moving, possibility-seeing one.

Characters:
Lorelai Gilmore – Gilmore Girls
Ferris Bueller – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Starlord – Guardians of the Galaxy
Elle Woods – Legally Blonde

What it might reflect:
You crave freedom and options. Or you admire their ability to keep life light and moving.

Where did you land? Wasn’t it fun to give some thought to how you relate to these characters?

The next time you turn on the TV and get into a series, you might just ask yourself, “Why?” It feels good to be seen, and just maybe that series is showing you, YOU.

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What does it mean to be free?
Free to do whatever I want?
Feel whatever I want?
Think whatever I want?

Or what if freedom is being free from me?

You and I probably have very different ideas of freedom. Not just because we are different people, but because we have different personalities. And understanding your personality, really understanding it, can be a path to personal freedom.

For over twenty years, I searched for meaning and a deeper spiritual life. It wasn’t until I discovered the Enneagram about three years ago that something truly shifted for me.

The Enneagram is often described as a personality typology system, and yes, it can be used that way. But it’s much deeper. It’s a map of ego…. and a blueprint for personal freedom.

My dominant Enneagram pattern is Five. And in true Five form, I’ve taken classes, intensives, and even attended a retreat at Omega with two teachers I deeply admire. I am always looking for the next thing to learn. I’m a need-to-know person. I don’t need to be right, but I do need to understand.

I’m also not much of a people person. Sadly, people disappoint me. So I learned to protect my heart by protecting my resources: my time, my space, my energy. That story made sense to me. It felt like safety. This may not make sense to you. That’s ok.

Knowledge has always felt like safety. Distance from people did, too.

The Enneagram calls this a fixation, the mind’s autopilot when the heart doesn’t want to hurt. When things feel threatening, I detach, observe, gather information, and conserve resources.

But here’s the truth. That distance didn’t protect me. It added to my suffering. It kept me stuck in personality, in ego.

Learning the Enneagram and truly seeing my patterns has been deeply freeing. Not because it told me who I am, but because it showed me how I habitually protect myself. And more importantly, how I might respond differently.

Because what we think is protecting us often becomes the very thing that keeps us stuck.

For most of my life, my go-to strategy was to stay a little removed. Engagement can hurt. The Enneagram didn’t shame me for that. It simply helped me see it and then showed me a path out.

I can’t point to some dramatic childhood story that explains my personality. I had a fairly normal upbringing. And yet, personality still forms. Ego still forms. These patterns are simply ways we cope with being human.

And I’m not the only one with them. You have them too. They just look different.

So let me offer examples.

The Enneagram groups us by centers of intelligence.

The Body types, Points Eight, Nine, and One—often struggle with the psychology of anger. Not always obvious anger… sometimes it’s intensity, stubbornness, tension, or numbing. And their freedom comes through learning how to work with that anger, without letting it run the show.

Point Eight: You may confront quickly and lead with intensity. Freedom comes when you lead with your heart—strength with softness—so your power becomes protection, not destruction.

Point Nine: You may seek comfort and delay decisions. Freedom comes when you choose—one clear decision at a time—trusting yourself to move forward.

Point One: You may see the world as right and wrong and feel responsible for perfection. Freedom comes when you embrace the world as perfectly imperfect… and release the need to keep score.

The Heart types, Points Two, Three, and Four, often carry the psychology of shame. That tender question underneath it all: “Am I lovable as I am?” And their freedom comes when they stop performing for love, and start receiving it.

Point Two: You may rush to help everyone… while quietly neglecting yourself. Freedom comes when you include yourself—speak up, set boundaries, and let support flow both ways.

Point Three: You may live in achievement mode, adjusting yourself to fit the moment. Freedom comes when you shift from doing… to being—letting your worth exist without performance.

Point Four: You may feel deeply, see beauty others miss, and carry a quiet loneliness. Freedom comes when you stay true to your inner world and connect with others—without losing yourself.

And the Head types—Points Five, Six, and Seven—often struggle with the psychology of fear. Not always panic fear, often it shows up as overthinking, planning, scanning, or staying busy. And their freedom comes when they learn to trust life, rather than trying to outsmart it.

Point Five: You may acquire knowledge and live with a scarcity mindset. Freedom comes from being in the world—experiencing life, not just observing it—and trusting abundance.

Point Six: You may be fiercely loyal and always scanning for what could go wrong. Freedom comes when you practice courage and faith—meeting the moment as it arrives instead of living in worst-case scenarios.

Point Seven: You may chase options, fearing you’ll miss out… and end up scattered and overwhelmed. Freedom comes through right action—not every action—choosing what matters and letting the rest go.

Did you see yourself in any of these? Or maybe you saw someone you love.

If so, you may be seeing these patterns for the first time. This is the work I do. I help curious people bring awareness to unconscious behavior patterns so they can experience deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

These nine ego structures are everywhere. They don’t always look simple, because our patterns are shaped by our instincts and life experience. But if you choose to look, you will begin to see patterns. Your patterns.

And with that awareness, something else becomes possible.

You learn how to respond instead of react.
How to wake up.
How to choose.

So I’ll ask you again.

What is freedom?

Maybe it’s not freedom to do whatever you want.
Maybe it’s freedom from unconsciousness,
from habit,
from ego.

Maybe freedom is freedom from yourself.

If you want to start your personal freedom journey, you’ll need to start seeing your patterns. Join me for my monthly workshop offered on the first Saturday of each month - Conflict to Compassion. It’s only $29 - a very small investment in yourself. It’s a fantastic way to begin to notice your patterns and those of others in your life. This leads to greater self and other compassion and deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Ready to begin? The next one is February 7th at 10:00 am EST via Zoom. I will see you there! Register now.

Oh, and remember to “like” or comment. It’s been very helpful. Thank you for your support and for reading my blog.

Photo by Miquel Parera on Unsplash

Months ago, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sign up for two “social” groups to force myself out of my shell. One was for networking (BNI). The other was for public speaking (Toastmasters).

I didn’t really want to do either of them. But after learning more about how I was getting in my own way, I realized these were necessary steps if this introvert truly wants to change the world. I’m learning that growth doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intentional discomfort.

They are paying off.

Not financially (yet), but deeply for my personal growth.

Back in May, I gave up work on Friday mornings to attend my new networking meetings that start at 7:30 am, forty five minutes away. That part wasn’t uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable part was walking into the room.

I would arrive early, sit in my car, and do my practice. I’d take a deep breath before opening the door, then look for a familiar face from the week before to attach to and make small talk before the meeting started.

And then came the worst part. About ten minutes in, we’d begin the round of sixty second presentations. From the moment the first person started, my heart would begin pounding. It didn’t matter if they were thirty people away or two. My turn was inevitable.

I had my paper ready to read from, trying to teach the room about my work. My voice shook. Sometimes I cried if I read something vulnerable. When I sat back down, my heart kept pounding through several more presentations. I judged myself. Did I do a decent enough job? Only after that did my body finally relax. The speaking itself was only part of it.

Slowly, without me noticing week to week, something shifted.

What a difference eight months makes.

Today, I no longer need to repeat my meditation practice in the car. I show up, walk in, and say good morning to most people by name. My heart still pounds before I speak, but now it starts when the person next to me begins and settles by the time the person after me finishes.

I don’t need a piece of paper anymore. Toastmasters has helped me with that. I can look around the room and make eye contact.

I’ve come a long way.

But this didn’t happen by chance. It was efforted, not happenstance.

Eight months of showing up weekly. In a group that holds me accountable.

There is a woman who comes to our gym who has been training with the same trainer for years. At some point, she made it a goal to do the same number of pushups as her age on her birthday. Last week, on her eightieth birthday, she did eighty pushups during her session.

That is growth.
That takes effort.
With accountability and community.

The gym is always the perfect analogy for growth. If you want stronger muscles, not necessarily bigger ones, you have to put in the work. Life is no different.

And it doesn’t happen overnight.

Months ago, a client came to me wanting his marriage to improve. His wife wasn’t interested in working with me, so I explained that he would have to be the one to do the work. We couldn’t change her reactions, only his.

He was skeptical. By the second session, he said, “I’m ready to work on myself.” By the third session, things in his marriage were already shifting. The relationship changed because he changed.

So what would effort look like for you?

Maybe you have no problem confronting people, even when those around you feel uncomfortable. What would it look like to pause and ask yourself, is this a battle worth fighting right now? Growth here might mean choosing discernment over intensity.

Maybe you go with the flow, letting others decide so things stay peaceful. What would it feel like to name what you want and step into a decision, even if it creates a little tension?

Maybe you feel responsible for righting the wrongs of the world. What would it be like to loosen your grip on judgment and notice the beauty in what is already perfectly imperfect?

Maybe you enjoy helping others so much that you forget about your own needs. What would it look like to care for yourself first, without explaining or justifying it?

Maybe doing, doing, doing is your default setting. What if you experimented with allowing instead of pushing, trusting that things can unfold without your constant effort?

Maybe you feel things deeply and spend time longing for what’s missing or what could be more meaningful. What would it be like to stay fully present with what is right here, without adding comparison or longing?

Maybe you retreat into your head, observing, thinking, preparing, conserving energy. What would it look like to step forward just a little, to share a thought before it’s fully formed, or stay engaged when you’d rather pull back?

Maybe you scan for what could go wrong, trying to anticipate every possible outcome so you can feel safe. What if you practiced trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, instead of rehearsing every scenario in advance?

Maybe you look for the next option, the next plan, the next thing to keep things light and exciting. What would it be like to stay with discomfort for a moment, to feel the weight or sadness without rushing past it?

Making the effort pays off, not always in the ways you expect, but in confidence, capacity, and a deeper ability to stay present. In turn, it adds value to your life and to the lives of those around you.

Side note. Your seven minute practice helps tremendously with staying the course, tolerating discomfort, and leaning into those moments when you feel nudged to grow.

When I look back on these months of showing up to my networking group, I realize I’ve spent a lot of time trying to educate the room about what I do.

Who knew I’d be the one getting the education?

Please comment or like this post in Substack. It is SUPER helpful to me.

Also, I’m taking a break from AI offerings and going back to a more human approach.

Monthly, I will be offering a workshop on the first Saturday of the month called Conflict to Compassion. This is a fantastic way to learn how we show up under stress and what we can do about our reactions and those of others. This is a great place to start learning about your behaviors.

We will meet on February 7th at 10:00 am EST ($29). You can register here: https://app.paperbell.com/checkout/packages/192391

The Power of Community

The other day, when I was meeting with my Enneagram group, we broke into groups of two or three and with a focus on the Virtues. Virtues aren’t something we practice or earn, they emerge when our usual patterns relax and we’re fully present. But we will get to that.

In our small groups, we worked with a repeating question. A repeating question is simple. Someone asks you a question and you answer. When you finish, the asker says, “Thank you,” and then asks the same question again. You repeat this over and over until your agreed-upon time runs out.

That day, we chose five minutes.

My question was, “What abundance arises from letting go?”

I wanted to play with this because I’ve been working on discerning the lived experience of non-attachment versus detachment. I do detachment very well. Too well. The more I learn about non-attachment, the more I understand that it is not detachment at all. And as I see that difference more clearly, I see my own patterns more clearly. too.

For the past few times we’ve shown up to our group, when we are doing our check-in, I’ve said something like, “I want to live what I experienced at the retreat. I feel like I’m falling asleep again and I just want to go back to that awakeness.”

You see, my personality struggles with closure. I’ve longed for the retreat and that feeling ever since I left. I didn’t know this not-wanting-things-to-close about myself until Russ Hudson pointed it out in a book I was listening to. I had one of those almost veer off the road moments of, “Oh my God, he is so right about that.” Five’s don’t like closure.

So when I was asked the repeating question, “What abundance arises from letting go?” I thought it might be interesting to explore.

I had no idea the bomb that was about to drop.

A big one.

I realized I have been so attached to the feeling I had at the retreat that I haven’t been opening myself to the abundance of the moment now. Pining for that time is keeping me from this time, this moment. This offering of Presence, right now. The inability to let go of what was, is blocking in from what is.

The irony wasn’t lost on me.

It wasn’t until someone stayed with me as a witness, allowing space for me to go deeper and deeper into the question and my answers, that I arrived at this moment. This big a-ha.

Letting go is the lesson for all of us, but we each hold on in different ways. Some of us want to control. Some of us want to be comfortable. Some of us what to achieve.

We all have patterning.

Before going further into that, I want to share a little side conversation I had with CHAT, because it connects directly to this realization.

I’ve been sitting with an idea. A full-of-thought idea.

What if we have misnamed God as Love?

When you think about it, and more importantly feel it, Love is infinite. Just like the energy we call God. What if we made God small by labeling, doctrining, and dogma-ing something that is actually beyond us, bigger than us?

My dad used to say, while kissing my kids, “Don’t fight it. It’s bigger than both of us.”

Love is bigger than us. God is bigger than us. And true to my dad’s affection, it really is bigger than both of us. All of us.

As I watched the dots across my screen (CHAT was “thinking”), CHAT came back, (after telling me how amazing I was, which if you know CHAT you know it does this), and said, “Love is how humans experience God.”

Oh.

Okay. That makes sense.

(pretty cool that CHAT knows this, just sayin’)

When I asked about the Enneagram virtues (which we are getting to) and our oneness with God, it said, “Virtues are what naturally arise when ego relaxes and Love flows unobstructed through a particular pattern.”

Yes! What a great way to express what we are all looking for, and have been looking for.

This felt like the opening I needed around non-attachment (my virtue). Not letting go to detach, but letting go so something larger can move through.

So now you know why I wanted to explore Love, God, and the Enneagram virtues. With that in mind, let’s take a look at how this shows up across different patterns.

A Virtue Map

• When armor and force soften, innocence appears. Life is met without defense, and Love is experienced as raw aliveness.

• When disappearance and numbing fall away, engagement arises. Love is experienced as being here fully, not on the sidelines.

• When judgment loosens, serenity arrives. Reality is allowed as it is, and Love is experienced as inherent rightness.

• When pride and earning relax, humility appears. Love is experienced as right sized belonging, mutual and shared.

• When image drops, authenticity comes forward. Love is experienced as being before doing, essence before effort.

• When longing and comparison dissolve, equanimity emerges. Love is experienced as sufficiency, nothing missing.

• When hoarding and withdrawal soften, non-attachment arises. Love is experienced as a sustaining field, always present.

• When external authority loosens its grip, courage appears. Love is experienced as a quiet companion walking beside us.

• When excess and escape fall away, sobriety arrives. Love is experienced as awake simplicity, enoughness in this moment.

When we recognize what is happening in the moment and allow ego to relax, virtue naturally arises. And with it, a lived sense of oneness, the non-dual relationship with Love that we have been longing for all along.

The Enneagram gives us a blueprint.
Community gives us the space.

And we decide how we show up, in body, heart, and head.

Because it is only when all three are present that we experience the freedom, connection, and limitless Love that has always been here.

OK, so you weren’t ready for AI. That’s ok. We can still work together. Here is an affordable option to begin to understand your patterns: From Conflict to Compassion. This workshop, offered once a month, is a fabulous way to begin to look at how you are showing up in the world (and how others are too!). Meets at 10:00 am EST on the first Saturday of the month. Block out an hour and half, and let’s dive into this! ($29) Register here

(At my son’s wedding)

I became a grandmother on 12/31/2025. Our oldest son and his wife had a baby boy. They don’t live nearby, so every few hours, our son sends a photo with a quick caption. Mostly about how much he loves his new baby.

I love that my son is texting me every three hours. I had no idea how fortunate I would be, not just being blessed with a grandson, but being blessed with my son texting me so often. He’s married, so let’s just say, I’m not front of mind.

I’m going to say something, maybe obvious, maybe controversial: your son marries his wife’s family. Meaning boys tend to drift toward the wife’s side, while girls tend to stick around. I know this is a generalization, but it’s something I’ve seen over and over again. It’s ok. I will survive, because I have girls, too.

(And I apologize to those who did not know this and will find out later in life. You’ve been warned.)

So what a sweet surprise it has been to hear from my son so often since his baby’s birth. I’m loving it. I had no idea this event would bring us even closer. I didn’t think through the ripple effect of becoming a grandmother or how it might transform my relationship with him.

Don’t get me wrong, we already had a great relationship. They just don’t live nearby anymore, and they get to see her family far more than ours. That’s life. So what a bonus it’s been to hear from him, often. A very sweet surprise.

Life events are like that. We can’t predict how they’re going to shape us. Covid is a perfect example. It changed everything, how we do business, educate our kids, travel, socialize, and even respond when someone coughs next to us on a plane. The ripple effects continue long after the event itself.

Which brings me back to becoming a grandmother (I’m sorry, I can’t help myself).

Since I am working on being more present, I have put out of my mind the first goodbye… and the fact that I will have to get back on the plane and return home. I don’t like closure or chapter endings (which explains why I have always hated New Year’s).

I’m also putting aside the impulse to give logical advice to these new parents, not just because I have done this five times, but because I know my pattern. I over-knowledge. I try to educate. I over-inform. And I’ve learned through “the work” not to leap in unless I’m asked.

I catch myself wanting to text things like, “Did you contact blah blah blah about xyz?”
Not the time. Not the place.
But a perfect moment to work on my stuff.

Self-reflection.
Self-reflection.
Self-reflection.

Allowing life to unfold in all of its perfection and imperfection gives us the space to be our best soulful self. If you feel like you are constantly reacting to life’s events, you’re not alone, but those reactions shape us just as powerfully as the events.

Presence invites a different kind of shaping. A softer one.

A body, heart, and mind online, not in their usual fixated-patterning gives us space to respond, not react.

Which brings me to this:

If you react ______, try ______

Here are the nine classic “ego reactions” and a more essence-filled response you can practice instead.
Use them like a mirror. Or better yet, a permission slip!

If you react by tightening, correcting, improving, fixing, or feeling responsible for getting things right… Try letting things be imperfect. Let yourself be imperfect. Let the moment be enough without adjusting it.

If you react by offering help, giving advice, supporting, or trying to make yourself needed… Try receiving instead. Let others take care of themselves. Let love flow toward you too.

If you react by performing, polishing, impressing, or playing the role of “the competent one”… Try simply being present as you are. No role, no image, no pressure to shine.

If you react with longing, emotional intensity, comparison, or the sense that something meaningful is missing… Try grounding in what’s actually here. Let ordinary moments be meaningful. Let yourself belong to them.

If you react by withdrawing, analyzing, over-thinking, or conserving your energy…Try stepping forward one small degree. Share something. Feel something. Participate instead of observing from the edge.

If you react with worry, scanning for danger, planning ahead, or bracing for what could go wrong… Try trusting the moment. Trust your ability to meet what comes. Let your nervous system rest inside what is good.

If you react by jumping ahead, reframing discomfort, seeking stimulation, or avoiding emotional heaviness… Try staying with exactly what’s happening. Let yourself feel the full flavor of the moment, even if it’s bittersweet.

If you react by asserting, controlling, protecting, or managing intensity… Try softening. Let tenderness lead. Let vulnerability come forward without needing to guard it.

If you react by numbing out, going along, disappearing into comfort, or avoiding friction… Try showing up a little more awake. Name a preference. Take up space in the room. Let your presence matter.

We can choose how to be shaped. However, if we stay unconscious and stuck in our typical responses, there is no shaping, there is no growth. Only more suffering.

These moments, births, losses, transitions, milestones, surprises, they all shape us. If we stay present, they can reshape our patterns, too but only through awareness and self-reflection.

A new relationship.
A new life.
A new identity called “Teta” (grandmother in Syrian)
All of it teaching me how to be less of my ego and more of my soul.

I thought I knew what this next chapter would bring. But I didn’t know it would bring my son and me even closer. Who knows what else?

Dr. Seuss was right. Oh, the places you’ll go.

Please remember to comment and like in Substack. This has been so beneficial to my presence here. Thank you so much!!

Some January guidance offerings:

If you’re feeling called to explore your own patterns, the ones that keep you from being fully here, fully present, fully you, I’m offering two workshops at the end of January:

Pattern to Presence (with AI as a gentle reflection tool)
and
Discover and Dive Into Your Enneagram Point

Both are six weeks, limited to six people, meet via Zoom, and are $275 (each workshop)

If groups aren’t your thing and you are ready to explore AI and yourself on your own, my six-week program is now in digital form. Check that out here.

At first I thought it was super attractive. My husband rescuing people in need (still sexy). Engaging every cashier in conversation (still cute). Chatting with strangers for way too long (not sexy at all… honestly, annoying).

In my mind, this was a waste of time, resource I treasure a little too much.
And my habit of hoarding time was blinding me to something deeper. When he would lean into his conversations with strangers I would think, “What’s the point?”

For almost 60 years I didn’t see it. Or maybe that’s not fair. For a good 14 of those years I was sound asleep in my personality. Just doing, doing, doing. Raising kids. Raising dogs. Running a home. Coping with a marriage that wasn’t working. Did I mention raising kids?

Then the next couple of decades were about searching for meaning. Remarriage. Another baby. More capacity for self-reflection. Less doing, doing, doing and a little more being. That brought me to 2023, when I started the real growth work of the last three years.

And somewhere in all of that, I woke up to something surprising:

I’m socially blind.

Yes. Me. The coach. The observer. The one who can “read people.” Except… not really. Not socially.

The Observer Trap

Writing my little book helped me see it. I am an Observer. To a fault. I step back. I detach. I watch. And then I stay there because it’s comfortable. All of these years, I’ve kept a distance from the world, convinced that “superficial engagement” was pointless.

Meanwhile, my husband is just out there… being social. Friendly. Connected. Alive. And I’m annoyed.

But now I understand why.

The Truth: We All Have a “Too-Muchness”

My too-muchness is rationalizing and withdrawing.
Yours might look different.

Maybe you…

over give
over achieve
over comply
over control
over dramatize
over worry
over intensity
over do anything and everything

These are coping strategies we learned as kids. Not consciously.
Just ways to survive, belong, and make sense of the world.

Mine tells me to conserve energy, keep my distance, and avoid unnecessary interaction. So when my husband talks way too long to strangers, my instinct interprets it as depletion. Threat. Loss of resources.

He’s not the problem.
My instinctual blindspot is.

And This Is Where Instincts Come In

The instincts amplify our coping strategies.

Self Preservation types track safety, resources, energy.
Social types track belonging, connection, contribution.
Sexual types track intensity, depth, chemistry.

When these instincts get exaggerated, they distort reality.

A strong Self Pres instinct can turn into “I don’t have time or energy for people.”
A strong Social instinct can turn into “I must be involved in everything.”
A strong Sexual instinct can turn into “I need intensity all the time or it’s meaningless.”

You can imagine how an introverted person with a heavy SP instinct can look even more withdrawn.
Or how an assertive person with a strong SX instinct can look too intense.
Or how a compliant person with a strong SO instinct can lose themselves in groups.

Your instinct is not your personality, but it flavors everything.

Who Annoys You? That’s Your Work.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

When someone annoys us, it usually reveals our blindspot.

For example…

If people who “have it all together” with their finances, home, or health annoy you, you might have an underdeveloped Self Pres instinct.

If passionate, purpose-driven people or deeply bonded couples annoy you, your Sexual instinct might need attention.

If socially connected people or community-oriented folks annoy you, your Social instinct might be underfed or avoided.

We don’t grow by fixing other people. We grow by noticing our reactions to them.

What My Husband Was Actually Teaching Me

My annoyance wasn’t about time.
It wasn’t about being introverted.
It wasn’t about my preference.

It was about my blindspot.

His friendliness showed me exactly where my work is:

Relaxing the grip of my Self Pres instinct and stepping into a more connected, relational life.

My too-much withdrawing was telling me something:

Wake up.
Come closer.
Stop living on autopilot.
Let people in.
Let life in.

Your too-muchness is telling you something, too.

Are you listening?

Three requests:

1. Please like this post (or better yet, comment!) in Substack - It helps with the algorithm.

2. Consider signing up for my Discover and Dive into Your Dominant Enneagram Point starting January 24th, Saturday mornings at 8:30 am EST. This will be a fascinating journey into deeper self-discovery and will cover many of my blog topics. Check out the details here: https://app.paperbell.com/checkout/packages/178180

3. If you want to explore these topics on your own with the assistance of AI, I now have an on-demand digital course Pattern to Presence Digital Course. This course will take you on a six-week journey of self-reflection, using AI to help you unwrap many of your egoic constructs. ($147) You can learn all it here: https://app.paperbell.com/checkout/packages/179586

The dominant points of the Enneagram: Gifts with Saboteurs (PQ Intelligence)

I Used to Think I Wasn’t Obsessed… Turns Out I Am

If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m pretty passionate. When I get into something, I really get into it. Years ago, my obsession was bringing my dance class to the world. I tried so hard. I didn’t succeed, but I learned a lot, and honestly, if you can’t handle failure, you’re going to have a tough time accomplishing anything in this lifetime.

And now you know I’m serious about my mission, because I recently got an EIN and a checking account for my side hustle: Messy to Magical. A vision of a “side hustle” turning into a rest-of-my-lifetime career.

My latest obsession is personality patterns.

My North Star is to help people see their patterning (the messy) so they can live more fulfilling lives (the magical) instead of living on autopilot. Truthfully, since I left my retreat, I’ve noticed a bit of sleepiness creeping back in. Old patterns. Autopilot trying to reinstall itself. Living in my head instead of presence. I’m aware of it and working on it. Consider this your glimpse into my gentle, selfish accountability.

So here I am, hustling personality patterns.

The Typology Buffet (And the One I Always Choose)

There are all kinds of personality modalities out there: Myers-Briggs, OCEAN, DISC, Four Temperaments, the Enneagram.

Truthfully, I had to look most of these up because I only have eyes for the Enneagram. It’s much more than typology. Typology is the doorway. The depth beyond it is what keeps its enthusiasts studying for decades.

You won’t hear me mention the Enneagram much in my blogs. I’ve learned not to lean too hard into Enneagram language because it can make people sleepy. Something they don’t understand or don’t want to understand. This was excellent advice from my business partner, Ernie (my husband), who admitted the word made him sleepy too. Since his personality keeps it real, I listened.

That being said… today I can’t help myself.

“How Is the Enneagram Any Different?”

The other day, a client asked, “Whenever I’ve been part of a self-help group and feel like I’ve outgrown their belief system, I know it’s time to move on. How is the Enneagram any different?”

I loved the question. It gave me pause, because the way I answered it would determine whether he stayed curious or walked away.

I said, “Unlike other belief systems with dogma, the Enneagram’s focus is revealing your egoic constructs and showing you how to dismantle them. There isn’t anything to believe in. It’s more like a map to personal freedom.”

Yay me. Yay him.

Surface-Level Enneagram Basics

Here’s the briefest possible dip into the Enneagram pool:

1. There are nine personality points, each with wings (the flanking points) and arrows (the lines connecting your point to two others). This is why there aren’t “nine types of people.”

2. Each point has gifts that the world needs. No one has all the gifts, which is why we need each other.

3. Each point has Fixations, our mental loops we go to as a coping strategy.

4. We all have unconscious motivations, developed in infancy, that helped us cope with the world. That’s ego. That’s personality.

5. We also have three instinctual drives:

   • Self-Preservation (body, finances, home)

   • Social (belonging, significance, community)

   • Sexual or One-to-One (energy exchange, depth, chemistry, creativity)

6. There is no one way to interpret the Enneagram. It comes from ancient geometry, and different schools of thought bring their own perspectives.

7. The Enneagram shows you the box you’re in and how to get out of it. This is what makes it so much deeper than other typologies.

Understanding yourself leads to greater self-compassion, which naturally leads to greater compassion for others. This is how the world becomes a little more just and a little more kind.

There are endless books, blogs, and podcasts to explore. But as a wise Enneagram teacher once said:

“This is solitary work that cannot be done alone.”

Why I’m Offering This Class

That’s why I’m offering a class beginning Saturday, January 24, called Discover and Dive into Your Enneagram Point.

We meet via Zoom at 8:30 AM EST for 75 minutes.
Cost is $275.
Class size is limited to six people.

When you learn about yourself in a group, concepts land faster, deeper, and more clearly. Everyone is modeling the work you’re learning, and the collective sharing supercharges the collective compassion.

I hope you join me.

Register here:
https://app.paperbell.com/checkout/packages/178180

It wasn’t long ago, maybe three or four years, when I told my husband, “You’ve got the perfect wife.” He’s my safe space to not be humble, and yet when I said it, he said nothing. That should have been my first sign that I wasn’t.

I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I keep the books. I handle the administrative stuff for the gym. I’ve taken care of children for 34 years. I take care of him in more ways than I’ll elaborate here. I listen. I’m active and fit so we can golf and work out together. I never pick a fight.

On paper, sure, that looks pretty perfect. But “doing” isn’t the same as loving well. It’s part of the picture, but not the whole picture.

And that never-picking-a-fight thing?
Definitely a red flag.

(Side note: He does plenty for me, too. And he has never once claimed to be a perfect spouse.)

The Lie Withdrawn Types Tell Themselves

I think many withdrawn types consider themselves “not fighters.” Since we’re not the ones who start something, we assume we’re not to blame for anything. We tell ourselves, I’m not adding to the problem, I’m just staying out of it.

It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I realized withdrawing is a strategy, and just because we don’t engage doesn’t mean we’re not involved.

If you’re one of the people in the dynamic, you’re involved. Even silence is participation.

Withdrawn types retreat to process. That part makes sense. But if left unchecked, we can stay there too long, so long that nothing ever gets resolved. And let’s be honest: withdrawing eventually becomes stonewalling. And stonewalling isn’t a strategy at all. It’s avoidance dressed up as calm.

Finding a Voice When You’d Rather Not Speak

For quiet types, staying silent feels safer. But it isn’t fair to your partner. Somehow, someway, you need to say the hard things. You need to find your voice.

This is one of the reasons I go to Toastmasters and why I stand up every week in my networking group and speak for 60 seconds. Practicing in low-stakes places gives you the muscularity to use your voice in high-stakes ones.

That whole “growth happens outside your comfort zone” thing?
Yes. That’s this.

Other Strategies, Other Discomforts

Silence isn’t the struggle for everyone.

Assertive types

For some people, not saying something is the discomfort. Their style is to lead, push, direct, or express. If that’s you, find a place where it’s safe to practice the opposite, maybe with a sibling who already loves you as you are. Take a breath. Let the feelings rise. And then… don’t speak right away.

In that pause, what else becomes possible?

Dutiful types

Others lean toward being dutiful, agreeing, pleasing, seeking approval, focusing on the greater good. It’s not “going with the flow”; it’s wanting harmony so badly that they disappear a little.

This can frustrate assertive types. It can confuse withdrawn types. But dutiful types bring a different kind of wisdom: connection, consensus, and care. And all three strategies misunderstand one another when they’re stressed. This always go back to bringing awareness to your reactions and those of others and leaning into compassion and curiosity instead of finger-pointing.

Becoming a Better Wife (Not a Perfect One)

I’ve learned I’m not a perfect wife. But I have become a better one.

I’ve learned so much about myself, all the subtle protection strategies I’ve used for years. And I’ve learned so much about him. That combination has created a deeper, more loving relationship, one I can’t imagine living without.

We’re both getting a little uncomfortable in our growth, and somehow growing more comfortable together. This takes commitment, hard work, and curiosity, which allows both of us to get a little better at this marriage thing.