Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
I thought it was super sexy. The way he went out of his way to help people. Saying hello and engaging with the barista at the coffee shop. Wanting to stop on the side of the road for someone in distress, while making it perfectly clear that I was not allowed to do this by myself.
He was the Hero. The Protector. But he was also something else.
He was social. And I wasn’t. And I loved it.
Not because I wanted to be that. But because I saw something in him that I didn’t see in me. Opposites attract. It’s true. But more importantly, when you begin to notice this, you realize, “Hmm… maybe I can be a little more of that.”
Back then, I didn’t have language for what I was seeing. Now I do.
This week, I began a course with Russ Hudson, all about Instincts. We’ll explore the nuances, yes, but ultimately we’ll be looking at our blind spots and how we can learn to show up differently.
When we talk about Instincts, we’re talking about something deeper than personality. These are the drives that move us.
Self-Preservation Instinct is about home, health, and resources. It’s the instinct that tracks whether you’re safe, stable, and supported.
Sexual Instinct is about aliveness and attraction. It’s the pull toward what energizes you, what sparks chemistry, what feels compelling.
Social Instinct is about belonging and contribution. It’s the instinct that asks, “Where do I fit? How do I matter?” It turns “me” into “we.”
These instincts stack in our lives. We each have a dominant, a secondary, and a tertiary instinct. That third one is often called the blind spot. It’s the one we overlook. The one we justify as “that’s just me,” when in fact it’s quietly shaping our life. For example, my stacking is Sexual, Self-Preservation, then Social.
Which means Social is my blind spot.
Lucky for me, I got to ask Russ a question this week in front of nearly 300 people, which is very unlike me. (Yes, I forced myself. Social blindspot awareness in action!)
I asked whether couples with opposite dominant and blindspot instincts tend to do better than couples who share the same dominant and blindspot. For example, if one person is Social dominant and Self-Preservation blind, and the other is Self-Preservation dominant and Social blind, does that balance create something healthier?
He said, in his experience, yes.
When two people share the same blind spot, he said, growth gets tricky. If both partners are Social dominant and Self-Preservation blind, they may overextend themselves publicly while neglecting their health, home, or finances. And because they’re both blind to it, no one notices until something collapses.
But when partners differ, there’s more opportunity for complementarity. If they are aware and not judging, they can grow through one another’s strengths.
So when I thought, over twenty years ago, that my future husband was sexy because he helped and engaged with others, what I was really seeing was my blind spot. That Social instinct in him was something I lacked.
And while the scene in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says “You complete me” might make some of us cringe, there’s a grain of truth in it. Not in a dependent way. But in a developmental one.
There are parts of us that grow in relationship because of the relationship.
You might think that a Social blindspot looks like introversion. But it can also look like self-absorption, social awkwardness, or a lack of social awareness. That’s harder to admit. Believe me. I hate admitting this.
Calling out your blind spot feels uncomfortable. It should. Growth is uncomfortable.
Looking for your blind spot? One of the easiest ways to spot it is to notice what annoys you in someone else. Are they too focused on their own needs (self-preservation)? Too passionate (sexual)? Too friendly (social)? That irritation is the clue.
There is nothing wrong with this seemingly-too-muchness. It might mean you’re blind.
Open your eyes. There is a whole new world waiting.