Feeling Misunderstood?

The toolbox you need to get your relationships back on track.

All day long, I hear how people are relating to others: their children, friends, spouses, employees, and coworkers. Most often, I hear what isn’t going well. The employee makes life difficult for everyone. The grown children acting like two-year- olds. The spouse who shuts down when you want them to open up. So often, these basic misunderstandings don’t need to divide us. If we just got a little curious, we might find the solution.

Remember the book, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman? In the book, he explains how we each have a different love language to express and receive love. Generally speaking, the language we lean into is usually the one we want to receive. Couples who read the book realized immediately, they may not be speaking the same love language. For example, if you show love through acts of service, you are expecting this type of reciprocity and can’t understand why you may be getting love letters from your partner when really you just want them to empty the dishwasher! Observing and getting curious about partners’ styles dramatically shifted many relationships. You just can’t assume you’ll get the dishwasher emptied, because more than likely, you two aren’t speaking the same love language. This applies to conflict as well.

Resolving conflict gets a bit tricky since it is easier to be compassionate to our lover when he is emptying the dishwasher and you are writing love letters than when you are “debating.” Let’s play with the three conflict styles - Assertive, Withdrawn, and Dutiful. Let’s say you and your friend are having a conflict over a hike the two of you recently experienced. You were pushing the tempo, and she wasn’t up for it. After the hike, she ghosts you. Your friend is pulling away from you. She has a Withdrawn style of conflict. If you are pushing for a resolution, you may have an Assertive style. It only takes one of you to be aware of these styles for the relationship to get back on track. Recognizing that she needs to retreat and doesn’t respond well to being pushed will allow you to give her the space she needs to contemplate the situation and surface when she is ready. Recognizing your assertiveness allows you to give yourself some space and not push for a conclusion. It really just takes one of you to have some awareness - is this person Asserting, Withdrawing, or being Dutiful. Here is another example: you are driving aggressively in the car, and your partner gets angry because you are disobeying the law. This person has a dutiful style, and you, well, you may respond by driving even more aggressively (making you an Assertive type) or you may just be quiet until a later time when you can handle the conflict.

Understanding conflicts from the perspective that you may not have the same conflict style as the person you are in conflict with is the beginning of curiosity. This conflict toolbox will help you have more understanding and compassion for the relationships in your life. Start noticing these three styles: Assertive, Withdrawn, and Dutiful. Even if you are feeling misunderstood, you can at least have a better understanding of the people you love (or maybe not so much love) in your life. Which, of course, leads to great self-awareness, compassion, and meaningful change in your life. Let’s opt in for more peace in our lives.