It wasn’t long ago, maybe three or four years, when I told my husband, “You’ve got the perfect wife.” He’s my safe space to not be humble, and yet when I said it, he said nothing. That should have been my first sign that I wasn’t.
I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I keep the books. I handle the administrative stuff for the gym. I’ve taken care of children for 34 years. I take care of him in more ways than I’ll elaborate here. I listen. I’m active and fit so we can golf and work out together. I never pick a fight.
On paper, sure, that looks pretty perfect. But “doing” isn’t the same as loving well. It’s part of the picture, but not the whole picture.
And that never-picking-a-fight thing?
Definitely a red flag.
(Side note: He does plenty for me, too. And he has never once claimed to be a perfect spouse.)
The Lie Withdrawn Types Tell Themselves
I think many withdrawn types consider themselves “not fighters.” Since we’re not the ones who start something, we assume we’re not to blame for anything. We tell ourselves, I’m not adding to the problem, I’m just staying out of it.
It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I realized withdrawing is a strategy, and just because we don’t engage doesn’t mean we’re not involved.
If you’re one of the people in the dynamic, you’re involved. Even silence is participation.
Withdrawn types retreat to process. That part makes sense. But if left unchecked, we can stay there too long, so long that nothing ever gets resolved. And let’s be honest: withdrawing eventually becomes stonewalling. And stonewalling isn’t a strategy at all. It’s avoidance dressed up as calm.
Finding a Voice When You’d Rather Not Speak
For quiet types, staying silent feels safer. But it isn’t fair to your partner. Somehow, someway, you need to say the hard things. You need to find your voice.
This is one of the reasons I go to Toastmasters and why I stand up every week in my networking group and speak for 60 seconds. Practicing in low-stakes places gives you the muscularity to use your voice in high-stakes ones.
That whole “growth happens outside your comfort zone” thing?
Yes. That’s this.
Other Strategies, Other Discomforts
Silence isn’t the struggle for everyone.
Assertive types
For some people, not saying something is the discomfort. Their style is to lead, push, direct, or express. If that’s you, find a place where it’s safe to practice the opposite, maybe with a sibling who already loves you as you are. Take a breath. Let the feelings rise. And then… don’t speak right away.
In that pause, what else becomes possible?
Dutiful types
Others lean toward being dutiful, agreeing, pleasing, seeking approval, focusing on the greater good. It’s not “going with the flow”; it’s wanting harmony so badly that they disappear a little.
This can frustrate assertive types. It can confuse withdrawn types. But dutiful types bring a different kind of wisdom: connection, consensus, and care. And all three strategies misunderstand one another when they’re stressed. This always go back to bringing awareness to your reactions and those of others and leaning into compassion and curiosity instead of finger-pointing.
Becoming a Better Wife (Not a Perfect One)
I’ve learned I’m not a perfect wife. But I have become a better one.
I’ve learned so much about myself, all the subtle protection strategies I’ve used for years. And I’ve learned so much about him. That combination has created a deeper, more loving relationship, one I can’t imagine living without.
We’re both getting a little uncomfortable in our growth, and somehow growing more comfortable together. This takes commitment, hard work, and curiosity, which allows both of us to get a little better at this marriage thing.