The Trigger That Keeps on Giving
What losing my mind with my brother is teaching me about patterns and freedom
Photo by Max LaRochelle on Unsplash
He wasn’t the nicest to me. You see, I’m the baby of the family, and for years, he thought he was going to be that. And then I showed up. My mom’s attention went to me. My sister’s too. My oldest brother’s as well. And most likely my dad’s. This older brother got pushed aside.
After all, babies are cute. And babies get the attention.
It wasn’t until very recently that we started getting along. Really, when my father was dying, and we were all becoming orphaned. Strong word, I know. Can adults be orphaned? That’s what it felt (and feels) like. Orphaned. And so, we only have each other now - let’s figure this out.
I even saw a shift in the relationship between my brothers. From strained, to tolerated, to liked, to loved. Although love may have always been the undercurrent, simply because of the brotherhood. It’s nice to see them texting each other now, later in life.
My mother would be thrilled.
So when the four of us got together recently for what I call a “Farray huddle,” one challenging comment from this older brother came out of his mouth…
…and I lose my mind.
Yes. Julie Roick loses her mind. It’s really incredible, actually. Just when I think I’ve got this whole “walking the talk” thing down, a challenge shows up to put me in my place. Anger shows up to remind me I’m human. That, yes, Ego still has a solid home here on Planet Julie.
The trigger that keeps on giving.
Maybe yours is different.
Shame.
Anger.
Anxiety.
We all have all three, but certain people bring out certain triggers for us. Apparently, anger is my go-to with my brother.
Noticing patterns.
Every day.
My over-knowledging tendency.
Needing to understand.
Wanting to create.
My lack of social intelligence and the work to become more aware.
Taking care of myself.
Getting fired up about possibilities.
My brother driving me nuts.
You know… patterns.
I don’t get angry very often. But because the relationship with my brother is a secure one, I can show him anger. I felt it rising in my body. That was a new noticing. I noticed the anger moving through me. Hmm. This is an unexplored feeling.
Unfortunately, the reliance on my practice took a back seat. Way back. And I allowed the feeling that was rising to take over my reaction. Apparently, that is why we practice, to actually be able to rely on it!
Respond, Julie, instead of reacting. Remember?
Easy to say. Harder to practice.
I didn’t like how out of control I got, attacking him over his (stupid) comment. My oldest brother, the peacemaker, diffused the situation. We moved on.
But apparently, I haven’t. Obviously.
Another pattern.
The inability to let something go.
Replaying the scene over and over.
Sound familiar?
Thank goodness I’m taking a class called A Journey Toward Embodied Freedom.
I’m laughing as I type this because I’m pretty sure losing my marbles over a comment from my brother doesn’t totally embody freedom. I guess that’s why I’m in the class.
When we were asked to define what freedom means to us in our breakout rooms, I talked about how free I felt after our retreat back in October. That deep presence. That awakening to the world. Feeling like I was experiencing life for the first time. Maybe that was freedom. Or maybe it was just a glimpse of it.
The instructors in my class are careful not to define freedom for us. This is our journey. I do know that ultimately, freedom is a liberation from ego.
That’s a tall order. But it’s one I’m willing to embark on.
Maybe in this class, I will finally be free from the trigger that keeps on giving. But until then, I will continue to explore.
And notice.
Pattern after pattern.
Bringing presence to them.
And maybe, eventually, freedom from them.
I am considering pulling a biweekly group together to help explore our patterns.
Sangha, community, is key to understanding ourselves and others. When I am in community, my deepest insights come to fruition. I gain self-compassion and compassion for others. We can learn so much from one another.
If you are interested, please email me. I’ll gather a group and we’ll find a time to meet. I would limit it to six people and charge $30 per person per session. Sometimes the clearest mirrors are the people sitting across from us.