photo by Kateryna Hliznitsova from Unsplash
She said she was annoyed. And a little spent.
Her partner had been away for a while and wasn’t expected to return for a bit. She was handling everything. In her love-language way, she had mailed a Valentine’s card ahead of time so he’d receive it on the day.
What did she get?
Not a card, that’s for sure.
Was she disappointed? Absolutely.
Was he intentionally withholding love? Probably not.
She expected her love language to be his love language. And that just ain’t so!
This is the classic misread in relationships. Contrary to very popular belief, there are more than five love languages. There could be dozens. I won’t bore you with that list, but I will say this: your Instinctual Stack plays a major role in how you give and receive love. And I can almost guarantee it’s not the same as your partner’s.
So let me tell you a little (more) about me, and my husband.
My husband can be intense. He also has a strong Social instinct. The Social instinct is the drive toward connection, participation, and shared meaning. It tunes us into relationships, roles, contribution, and impact. It asks, “Where do I fit? How do I serve? How do we survive together?”
When you pair that instinct with his Eight intensity, he shows love through protection and containment.
Here’s what that looks like.
He works a split shift. He’s at the gym from 5:30 am to noon, then again from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. His afternoons aren’t just about income. They create structure. Stability. Space. He is quite literally holding the external world steady so I can work quietly on my guidance practice.
His love language is:
“I will hold the structure so you can flourish inside of it.”
(Side note: As I was leaving for a quick trip to visit our grandson, he said, “Be sure to count the aisles on the plane for the nearest exit.” I smiled, knowing exactly that is how he shows love.)
I’m pretty sure that wasn’t in the Five Love Languages book - just sayin’.
And me?
My dominant instinct is Sexual. Despite the name, it’s not really about sex. It’s about aliveness. Chemistry. Meaningful contact. It pulls us toward what feels charged, vital, alive.
Given my Five tendencies, that means I show love through intense presence. Depth over small talk. Shared inner worlds. Meaningful conversation.
The other day my husband said, “Can we talk? We only have 15 minutes before you go back to class, and we won’t see each other until much later.”
I stopped. I listened. We connected.
He loves me by building the structure.
I love him by giving him my full attention.
Neither of us would have circled those on a quiz. But when I step back, I can see it clearly.
So step back.
How are you showing love?
You don’t need to know your dominant point. Just make a list. How do you show up? What do you naturally offer?
Then, for extra brownie points, ask yourself, “How does my partner show love?”
We tend to assume we want the same things. We don’t.
We give love the way we’re wired. And we often expect to receive it the same way.
Someone with a dominant Social instinct will show love very differently than someone who is Socially blind. Someone driven by Self-Preservation will show love differently than someone driven by aliveness and intensity. There’s no right or wrong here.
Just different.
Going back to my friend, she ended up simply asking for what she needed. “Throw me a bone, buddy.”
No blame. No drama. Just clarity.
That’s someone becoming aware. Acknowledging that her partner doesn’t show up like she does. And instead of assuming neglect, she asked for what she needed.
If you’re wired for Self-Preservation, your love language might look very different still. It might look like stocked refrigerators, paid bills, safe homes, and steady routines. It might look like “Did you eat?” or “I took care of that for you.” It may not be flashy. It may not be romantic in the traditional sense. But it says, You are safe with me. We are okay.
That’s love, too.
So now I’ll ask you:
What is your partner’s love language?
That’s next-level reflection. But once you figure it out, you won’t just avoid disappointment.
You’ll light them up.
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