Photo by Mike Arney on Unsplash
We were lying in bed. It was 6:00 am on a Saturday morning. We had both been up since 4:30 am. Weekday habits don’t die on the weekends as much as we wished they would. I said, “All right, I’m getting up.” He said, “Where are you going?” I said, “I’ve got to get my day going.”
It’s 6:00 am. On Saturday.
He said, “Let me tell you a story. Once there was a little girl who lived in the jungle. It was a beautiful jungle. She lived with a big gorilla. She was always trying to go to other places in the jungle, places she thought would be more interesting or fun. And the gorilla just wanted her to stay with him. She always thought those other places were better. But they weren’t.”
He was right.
I teared up a little, but didn’t want to ruin the morning. He was once again showing me what is running my life. He has called me a mouse on more than one occasion and just last week, was teasing me about going home and experimenting with 14 recipes to recreate the muffin we just ate.
It’s my sexual instinct. It’s the instinct that has a lot of energy behind it. Wants to connect deeply. Wants to create (a lot). Wants what it wants and goes for it. The mundane bores it. It has intensity and energy beyong shiny object syndrome. It allows me to get things done but it also allows me to get nothing done.
This has been running my life for as long as I can remember, but now I am hyper aware of it, because I see it play out in real time. And in the past.
Being called a spaz in high school. All the time.
Trying to build my business by creating package after package.
Working at making connections, so many connections (but few become anything).
Starting a new project the moment I get off an inspiring call from my teacher when he requests “take your aim.” Ok, Russ. I’m on it. I will make that list of 300 people I have seen in these classes and write each and every one of them to see if they are interested in my new creation.
The funny thing about this over-doneness is I can be slightly annoyed with those lacking this instinct. I mean, “Get on the freaking train and let’s go get it!” is often my attitude. Otherwise, I will leave you behind.
Chill out, Julie. Chill out.
If you didn’t recognize yourself in this scenario, well, maybe there is another instinct running your show.
I have a client whose Self-Preservation instinct runs him. That’s the instinct that cares deeply about energy stores, likes an order to environment, can feel depleted and needs time alone. This isn’t about control. This is instinct. And it is powerful. It runs his world but with awareness, he has understood it better. He has learned to notice it sooner without making all of his decisions because of it. He sees himself more clearly. And more importantly, so does his partner.
The final instinct that might be running your show is the Social instinct. I have a friend whose life is run by this instinct. She is on high alert for the people around her. She constantly reads the room, wants to be sure she connects and in her case, confirms their happiness. Relationships are very important to her. So much so, that her needs can be sidelined. Or worse, she can’t even recognize her needs.
Sexual.
Self-Preservation.
Social.
We do have all three. We are humans. However, one is usually running the show. The secondary one can sometimes be supportive of the dominant, but can also switch spots with the dominant. The blind spot or tertiary instinct is the one we think doesn’t matter. We have all kinds of judgments about it, too. About other people who let it run them and about ourselves for not tapping into it enough (hence my social blindness blogs).
Keep in mind, they are all important. No stacking (meaning your dominant, secondary, and tertiary instincts) is better than another, and the most important part of this work is bringing awareness to them. It is time to get curious about who is running the show, and which parts of you have been waiting in the wings.
A whole human needs all three. They will never be perfectly balanced, but our soul requires a better balance than the one we are living in. With presence, we can soften, see, and allow the space for something else to show up. And allow our soul to run the show instead.
The enneagram is so interesting. I just recently learned about these intricacies.