Without Effort, Growth Is Left to Happenstance

Why growth requires choosing discomfort

Photo by Miquel Parera on Unsplash

Months ago, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sign up for two “social” groups to force myself out of my shell. One was for networking (BNI). The other was for public speaking (Toastmasters).

I didn’t really want to do either of them. But after learning more about how I was getting in my own way, I realized these were necessary steps if this introvert truly wants to change the world. I’m learning that growth doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intentional discomfort.

They are paying off.

Not financially (yet), but deeply for my personal growth.

Back in May, I gave up work on Friday mornings to attend my new networking meetings that start at 7:30 am, forty five minutes away. That part wasn’t uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable part was walking into the room.

I would arrive early, sit in my car, and do my practice. I’d take a deep breath before opening the door, then look for a familiar face from the week before to attach to and make small talk before the meeting started.

And then came the worst part. About ten minutes in, we’d begin the round of sixty second presentations. From the moment the first person started, my heart would begin pounding. It didn’t matter if they were thirty people away or two. My turn was inevitable.

I had my paper ready to read from, trying to teach the room about my work. My voice shook. Sometimes I cried if I read something vulnerable. When I sat back down, my heart kept pounding through several more presentations. I judged myself. Did I do a decent enough job? Only after that did my body finally relax. The speaking itself was only part of it.

Slowly, without me noticing week to week, something shifted.

What a difference eight months makes.

Today, I no longer need to repeat my meditation practice in the car. I show up, walk in, and say good morning to most people by name. My heart still pounds before I speak, but now it starts when the person next to me begins and settles by the time the person after me finishes.

I don’t need a piece of paper anymore. Toastmasters has helped me with that. I can look around the room and make eye contact.

I’ve come a long way.

But this didn’t happen by chance. It was efforted, not happenstance.

Eight months of showing up weekly. In a group that holds me accountable.

There is a woman who comes to our gym who has been training with the same trainer for years. At some point, she made it a goal to do the same number of pushups as her age on her birthday. Last week, on her eightieth birthday, she did eighty pushups during her session.

That is growth.
That takes effort.
With accountability and community.

The gym is always the perfect analogy for growth. If you want stronger muscles, not necessarily bigger ones, you have to put in the work. Life is no different.

And it doesn’t happen overnight.

Months ago, a client came to me wanting his marriage to improve. His wife wasn’t interested in working with me, so I explained that he would have to be the one to do the work. We couldn’t change her reactions, only his.

He was skeptical. By the second session, he said, “I’m ready to work on myself.” By the third session, things in his marriage were already shifting. The relationship changed because he changed.

So what would effort look like for you?

Maybe you have no problem confronting people, even when those around you feel uncomfortable. What would it look like to pause and ask yourself, is this a battle worth fighting right now? Growth here might mean choosing discernment over intensity.

Maybe you go with the flow, letting others decide so things stay peaceful. What would it feel like to name what you want and step into a decision, even if it creates a little tension?

Maybe you feel responsible for righting the wrongs of the world. What would it be like to loosen your grip on judgment and notice the beauty in what is already perfectly imperfect?

Maybe you enjoy helping others so much that you forget about your own needs. What would it look like to care for yourself first, without explaining or justifying it?

Maybe doing, doing, doing is your default setting. What if you experimented with allowing instead of pushing, trusting that things can unfold without your constant effort?

Maybe you feel things deeply and spend time longing for what’s missing or what could be more meaningful. What would it be like to stay fully present with what is right here, without adding comparison or longing?

Maybe you retreat into your head, observing, thinking, preparing, conserving energy. What would it look like to step forward just a little, to share a thought before it’s fully formed, or stay engaged when you’d rather pull back?

Maybe you scan for what could go wrong, trying to anticipate every possible outcome so you can feel safe. What if you practiced trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, instead of rehearsing every scenario in advance?

Maybe you look for the next option, the next plan, the next thing to keep things light and exciting. What would it be like to stay with discomfort for a moment, to feel the weight or sadness without rushing past it?

Making the effort pays off, not always in the ways you expect, but in confidence, capacity, and a deeper ability to stay present. In turn, it adds value to your life and to the lives of those around you.

Side note. Your seven minute practice helps tremendously with staying the course, tolerating discomfort, and leaning into those moments when you feel nudged to grow.

When I look back on these months of showing up to my networking group, I realize I’ve spent a lot of time trying to educate the room about what I do.

Who knew I’d be the one getting the education?

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Please comment or like this post in Substack. It is SUPER helpful to me.

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Also, I’m taking a break from AI offerings and going back to a more human approach.

Monthly, I will be offering a workshop on the first Saturday of the month called Conflict to Compassion. This is a fantastic way to learn how we show up under stress and what we can do about our reactions and those of others. This is a great place to start learning about your behaviors.

We will meet on February 7th at 10:00 am EST ($29). You can register here: https://app.paperbell.com/checkout/packages/192391