Your Too-Muchness Is Telling You Something
What happens when we stop living on auto-pilot
At first I thought it was super attractive. My husband rescuing people in need (still sexy). Engaging every cashier in conversation (still cute). Chatting with strangers for way too long (not sexy at all… honestly, annoying).
In my mind, this was a waste of time, resource I treasure a little too much.
And my habit of hoarding time was blinding me to something deeper. When he would lean into his conversations with strangers I would think, “What’s the point?”
For almost 60 years I didn’t see it. Or maybe that’s not fair. For a good 14 of those years I was sound asleep in my personality. Just doing, doing, doing. Raising kids. Raising dogs. Running a home. Coping with a marriage that wasn’t working. Did I mention raising kids?
Then the next couple of decades were about searching for meaning. Remarriage. Another baby. More capacity for self-reflection. Less doing, doing, doing and a little more being. That brought me to 2023, when I started the real growth work of the last three years.
And somewhere in all of that, I woke up to something surprising:
I’m socially blind.
Yes. Me. The coach. The observer. The one who can “read people.” Except… not really. Not socially.
The Observer Trap
Writing my little book helped me see it. I am an Observer. To a fault. I step back. I detach. I watch. And then I stay there because it’s comfortable. All of these years, I’ve kept a distance from the world, convinced that “superficial engagement” was pointless.
Meanwhile, my husband is just out there… being social. Friendly. Connected. Alive. And I’m annoyed.
But now I understand why.
The Truth: We All Have a “Too-Muchness”
My too-muchness is rationalizing and withdrawing.
Yours might look different.
Maybe you…
over give
over achieve
over comply
over control
over dramatize
over worry
over intensity
over do anything and everything
These are coping strategies we learned as kids. Not consciously.
Just ways to survive, belong, and make sense of the world.
Mine tells me to conserve energy, keep my distance, and avoid unnecessary interaction. So when my husband talks way too long to strangers, my instinct interprets it as depletion. Threat. Loss of resources.
He’s not the problem.
My instinctual blindspot is.
And This Is Where Instincts Come In
The instincts amplify our coping strategies.
Self Preservation types track safety, resources, energy.
Social types track belonging, connection, contribution.
Sexual types track intensity, depth, chemistry.
When these instincts get exaggerated, they distort reality.
A strong Self Pres instinct can turn into “I don’t have time or energy for people.”
A strong Social instinct can turn into “I must be involved in everything.”
A strong Sexual instinct can turn into “I need intensity all the time or it’s meaningless.”
You can imagine how an introverted person with a heavy SP instinct can look even more withdrawn.
Or how an assertive person with a strong SX instinct can look too intense.
Or how a compliant person with a strong SO instinct can lose themselves in groups.
Your instinct is not your personality, but it flavors everything.
Who Annoys You? That’s Your Work.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
When someone annoys us, it usually reveals our blindspot.
For example…
If people who “have it all together” with their finances, home, or health annoy you, you might have an underdeveloped Self Pres instinct.
If passionate, purpose-driven people or deeply bonded couples annoy you, your Sexual instinct might need attention.
If socially connected people or community-oriented folks annoy you, your Social instinct might be underfed or avoided.
We don’t grow by fixing other people. We grow by noticing our reactions to them.
What My Husband Was Actually Teaching Me
My annoyance wasn’t about time.
It wasn’t about being introverted.
It wasn’t about my preference.
It was about my blindspot.
His friendliness showed me exactly where my work is:
Relaxing the grip of my Self Pres instinct and stepping into a more connected, relational life.
My too-much withdrawing was telling me something:
Wake up.
Come closer.
Stop living on autopilot.
Let people in.
Let life in.
Your too-muchness is telling you something, too.
Are you listening?
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Great post. So well explained.
This is sooo interesting. Great read! I’m really thinking now.